Guilty Role Model Pleasures - Awesome, Incomplete and Imperfect! by Ceri Sims

Naming famous or well-known people you find inspiring and in whom you see a vision of yourself can be a useful exercise in self-development. In fact, identifying your role models can serve as a helpful starting point for coaching yourself towards understanding your direction in life. I use a similar approach with coaching clients. I am careful about the language I use. The term 'role-model' can sometimes generate negative thoughts in people as they start to make comparisons and recognise a scarily large gap between themselves and their inspirational figure. So, from a coaching and self-development perspective, it can be revealing to write down all the people you find inspiring, whether they are known to you personally or famous, and whom you wish to emulate to bring that greatness into your own life. There are many famous (mostly) women who fall into this category for me: Jane Austen, Diana Nyad, Meryl Streep, Jane Fonda, Margaret Atwood, Jane Goodall, and Maya Angelou, to name but a few.

In my coaching, I expand on this idea by focusing on the fact that each person follows their own unique path, meaning no single role model can ever fully represent or encompass all of who you are or aim to be in every situation in your life. It’s also important to recognise that within each of us, including those inspiring figures, there exists an admirable part, an incomplete part, and a flawed part. Using this more comprehensive view of a person provides a more powerful way to think about role models and your own best self or future self. It’s true that media often depicts polarised images, the good, the bad, and the ugly of a famous celebrity, to grab our attention, so we don’t see the full picture. But this also reflects real life, to some degree. Do we ever truly know someone completely? Even our own family members can surprise us when they make decisions or act unexpectedly. The main point about all this is that if we spend time thinking about our role models’ imperfections and flaws as well as their greatness, it can provide a much richer set of data to work with for helping us to understand our complex and nuanced selves, the things that we are proud of, as well as things we want to resist or change. Our interest in others acts as a reflection, revealing aspects of our own personality and experiences. By exploring these reactions, we can gain a deeper understanding of our inner world. From a Strengths perspective, we can say that what we notice in others is a mirror of our own, possibly unrealised, strengths and values. If we explore the guilty part, it takes us to another level of self-awareness. As the famous psychologist and psychiatrist Carl Jung once said, "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."

Now we get to the fun part. After you have created the initial list of aspirational figures, write a second list of people you find interesting but may feel hesitant to express your interest in, possibly because they have qualities that seem at odds with your values.  Often, these are fictional people or characters from TV programmes or movies that you are fascinated by, but you are also somewhat ashamed of your fixation on the programme and the particular character.  For example, I have a strange fascination with the character Carrie Bradshaw from the ‘Sex in the City sequel ‘And Just Like That.’   I identify with her love of eccentric clothing, dedication to her friends and love of writing, and she happens to be petite like me too. She’s also more mature since SITC, and so I identify with her as an older woman living her life fully.  However, I’m quite ashamed of this Carrie character admiration, mostly because her character’s collection of expensive shoes and apartments goes against my values of living simply and sustainably. I also think she’s self-obsessed and rarely seems interested in wider societal or global issues other than the love lives of the privileged people around her.   When I delve into that character fascination, plus the mild shame that comes with it, what I discover is the following:

What is it about Carrie that I aspire to?

Carrie represents qualities I identify with and aspire to, such as achieving success as a freelance writer while maintaining a balanced social life with supportive friends. I am interested in being creative and confident in the way I dress and choose clothing, as well as incorporating originality into my living space.

What strengths does she have?

Determination, Love, Loyalty, Resilience, Empathy, Listener – I notice these qualities because these are Strengths that I see and value in myself.

What is it about Carrie that’s incomplete that I could do better at?

Increased income could facilitate these goals, but they are also attainable on a limited budget. I am good at recycling clothes and being creative with the things I already have.

What is it about Carrie that’s flawed that I would want to overcome?

When I become too concerned about petty things, I cannot look at myself in the mirror and be proud of who I am. The character's sense of entitlement and materialistic tendencies, along with those of her friends, contrast with my values. My purchasing decisions are sometimes influenced by previous experiences growing up in a comfortable environment, where I was more drawn to individuals from working-class backgrounds who demonstrated confidence, character and a willingness to be more interesting and adventurous.

Remember that this guilty-pleasure aspirational character represents only one facet of my identity. By considering a range of aspirational models, both the ones we are proud of and guilty of, people can gain greater insight into their own values and aspirations. Insights from these reflections can guide you in creating a mission statement, vision board, or daily guidelines that help ensure your actions align with your values, so you can end each day feeling proud of how you showed up and behaved. Having a strong sense of who you are at your best and a strong sense of agency towards a future you that embodies those characteristics, values and preferences will surely help towards living a more hopeful, happier and fulfilling life. Have a go at owning up to your role model guilty pleasures and see if it can capture more of that interesting person you want more of, who is intrigued by both the delightful and repellent qualities of other people.